Wishin', Hopin', Plannin' & Prayin'

I’m trying really hard to be positive right now. I’m trying not to ask too many questions or let my black bubble of doubt grow much bigger. I’m trying not to be angry with my body or wonder too many times why God doesn’t agree with my plan. I’m trying. But it’s hard.

I’m impatient and I’m a control freak and I’ve never wanted anything so badly. I’ve also never wanted anything like this that is completely out of my control. I want a baby. I want to be a mother so badly that my heart literally aches. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant, or just had a baby. Up until about a month ago I was surrounded by pregnant girls. We had 5 pregnant mamas in my office at one time. One by one they have all left for maternity leave and are all now at home snuggling their newborns. The office joke for the last year has been to not drink the water. Me? I'm CHUGGING the water. I'll take whatever I can get.

I know that some people have to wait for years to get pregnant and have experienced so much more pain that I can even imagine in order to get there. So many couples deal with infertility and the heartbreak that comes along with it. We’re not there. And I hope we don't have to face all that. We haven’t even made it to the 6 month mark that by OB/GYN told me to expect but with every month it is getting more and more difficult and I'm getting more and more impatient. My sweet husband has been so patient and encouraging. Doing everything he can to keep me relaxed and distracted.

If I have to look at one more not pregnant on a pregnancy test I might start pulling out my hair. I've taken a solemn vow to myself not to take another test until I am absolutely positive that I am pregnant. The next pregnancy test that I look at is going to have lines, and say pregnant, and have a happy face and that's that. I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer and the law of attraction. I know it's going to happen and when it finally does it will all make sense. I'll just be real here too.. there are worse things that we  could be doing with our time as newlyweds.. right?

I just find it funny {that's the insanity speaking, like rocking in a corner muttering to myself funny} that we spent the entire first year of our marriage actively preventing a pregnancy. Jokes on us I guess.

My mom has been encouraging me to talk to our baby. To keep telling the sweet little bug that we are ready, we are waiting, and that we can't wait to share our lives with him/her. My mom waited 7 years between my sister and me and she's been telling me that she talked to me the whole time. I know where she's going with this idea, and I appreciate that she's trying to make me feel better but 7 years?! Nope. I just can't do that.

Praying for some exiting news soon!

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